Saturday, January 9, 2010 passion

i love rain..and i think it has got different moods..though we feel its uncomfortable to walk in rain..i loved it in its all colours..may b thats why when my soulmate said, we will name our daughter Barkha..i said meant rain!!
. 2 year back we had a trip to vembanattu lake from ktm in a big boat,it was a trip from his workplace,where he is teaching.
and it is one of the most beautiful day in my life.
on the way he and his friend just went 4 swimming,and since there was no other dress to change,they stood on the front..deck.
then it started raining and all the ones on the deck went down..i couldnt just see them on rain,i love to b in rain and that too in the middle of water.finally they helped me to get down and b with them in the was something that i cant explain but u should feel....with nobody infront of u,with water all around,with rain all over ur body...and the it was raining inside me too...
and the big drops falling in to the water...and ur love near.there was no moment in my life which i could compare with this...INEXPLICABLE....!may b because,the first word i wrote 4 him was a poem,which was explaining whats happening to me when i was in didnt give any clue as such.."ippo ente hridayathinumeethe mazha peythu kondeyirikkunnu" it was the last line,4years back. may b i am relating my happiness with rain.
so next time when it rain over there just see what u feel?
rain has different moods,at times smiling at time horrifying us at times so beautiful..may b we feel the difference according to the mood we have inside...

to my unborn baby girl
Now i really long for my baby
just thinking that she will understand me
because she is a part of mine
she has been there within me
since my birth....feeling my heart beats,my warmth..
knowing my pains..and passions..
there is nothing that i may talk to her
to convey my heart..
she knows me to the fullest...
i know that she is there deep inside me
hearing all my voices..,wet in my tears..i really need you..
come out of my flesh my dear
for i love to hold you in my arms
i want to feel your soft skin
i want to see the stars in your eyes...
someone may say come out of my woomb
but what should i say to you my dear..?you hav not even reached that place.
you have'nt even started your journey..
still i call up on u,'cuz i feel so lonely..
u know,i need someone to get u,out of me..
and i would lik 2 call dat great person
'your father'...
i found him in my love..
so u may call him 'FATHER'
i am happy that u trust me
'cuz u hav chosen me as ur mother
and gave me the freedom 2 choose ur father
but my child,wold u really want 2 come out?
i am afraid 2 bring u ur safe inside me..
still my dear..,i long 2 c u
feel ur soft fingertips..
want 2 c u smile like ur father
u dont know what made him ur father,
he had d same smile as yours..
and i wanted u in my arms...
he is more of ur father than my love
i loved him as my man
i dont want him 2b left alone..
somebody should b there 2 love him..
he feels my love a burden..
now its ur turn my baby..
u know me 2 d core..
so i can b sure,u cant b mistaken..
love him so...
so dat he wont miss my missing...
he will know someday..dat i hav given MYSELF..
u should b there 2 hold his hands
when he is in need..
'cuz my baby....
he is my only LOVE.

Footnote: I wrote the poem 3 years back and the girl mentioned was there in my arms few months back..and I had to leave my love and babe for our life...its been months since I last saw them..and touched her soft fingertips..and Now in waiting...hoping to see them in my life and bloom all around again..

An inspirational story I read.

NO CEILING- Heather Swan Oct-Dec 2009
I frirst saw the book when i was working in Dalcross hospital, Syney and was posted in Eyecentre.Yet another exciting day was about to finish and I was hanging around there to tell Suzie that I am going to leave for lunch.Then for the afternoon shift came our Anesthetic nurse and we gave eachother a smile and hello.To my surprise she took out a ared book from her bag and said" I finished reading this book and next is anyone's turn" noone seemed interested except me! Though I longed to didnt come through the hectic schedules of 3 months..but now its there..I was astonished.I took the book and glanced at the last coverpage ".A woman's inspirational story to the top of the world" what else could have motivated me??In the first page there was a note left by Heather "real flying is different from Trevor's medicine induced sleep and flying" something similar to that.Trevor Wilson was the anesthetist and he always used to tell the patients before he give the sedation that you will be going to sleep for five minutes and will be feeling like flying.Heather came to have a surgery for her eye and left a copy of her Biography there.
After reading the book , I could say that she is right.Dreaming and living the real dream is different.As a child she had the dream of flying.Later she married had children..being a single mother and with a job trying to go with the race of life..She meets Glen Singleman in her thirtees-and her life takes a big twist.He is a BASE jumper and said anyone can do it..its all about mastering the mind and conquering the fear.
It was not easy to achieve her dream.When she could have slept in a soft matress in A/C room, she slept in sleeping bags at high altitudes,in base camps,travelling,tecking,jumping out of plane,jumping from cliffs,facing even death at some points.
" You gain strength ,courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in face.You are able to say yourself' i have lived through this horror.I can take next thing that comes along' you must do the thing you think you can not do- Eleanor Roosvelt
When i went through the book, something really touched my heart.At some points we were the same woman..she had the dream of flying and I had the dream of work overseas and study.Both of us were mothers and we met our love to realise our own strenghth inside! Leaving the child behind to achieve my dream was something which made me sorry.But in her book, she quoted about her mom who said "I left my job and everything precious to me for you girls and what do I have now??" When Heather grew up, she was aware of her misery and her role in it.She doesnt want her kids to feel like that, she wanted to raise them without hurting their feelings and without giving up herown dreams.
In the end my Babe you should not have that resentment " I stopped my mom from achiving her Dream" So I felt happy.I didnt do something wrong by following myown dreams..though a mother and wife.
few words some where in the book touched me.
" by accepting and preparing to death , life could be lived more passionately'
" People are always blaming there circumstances for what they are.I dont belive in circumstances.The people who get in to this world are the people who getup and look for the circumstances they want, make them- George Bernard Shaw
" Twenty years from now, you will be more disappointed by the thing that you didnt do than by the one you did.So throw off the bowliness.Sail away from the safe harbor.Catch the trade winds in your sails.
Explore Dream Discover -Mark Twain
Value everymoment value the effort that you put in to everything..because the the outcome is never guranteed....Great Trango Tower a highest cliff in Pakistan was their target and after months of preparation and weeks of difficult days when they were about to jump off the drop zone..they realised danger and couldnt make an attempt.How low one would be feeling after so much of efforts and to know that all in vein??
"But there is suffering in life,and there are defeats.No one can avid them.But its better to lose soeme of the battles in the struggles for your dreams than to be defeated without ever knowing what you are fighting for"-Paulo Coelho.
Heather holds the world record by jumping off Mount Meru In India. I was so fascinated by her way of writing..because she always tried to invole the pieces of culture and traditions, stories linked with each places, holiness of Ganga..even being an Indian I was not aware of many.
It was years of preparation from a common woman to a world record BASE jumper ..finally afer all the hardships when she performed, there was no audience to see her performance or one to shout in money in return...but a fullfilled Heart..may be..what other gain was there for such a risk..??a desire no one could explain!!! She cameout to be a different person having a better perspective of the World of Life..of people around, more understanding, more patience better Mom and the best Partner..